I am not an exceptionally affectionate person. I think that meaningful touch is probably one of my weakest love languages. That said, I’ve never been one to shy away from the occasional squeeze, hug, or pat on the back.
Because I’ve spent a lot of time these last few months making new meaningful friendships and reviving old ones, I have said quite a few hellos and goodbyes and have sealed them with a hug. Lately, I’ve questioned whether it’s okay for Christian guys and girls to hug each other. I’d love to hear what any of you think about the topic.
Please understand that I’m not talking about anything more than just friendly hugs between guys and girls who have no other commitment to each other besides friendship.
Pros:
- It’s a meaningful way of saying “I’m glad to see you” or “It’s hard to say goodbye.”
Cons:
- A hug often means momentary full body contact.
- What you think is a friendly hug can be interpreted to mean something more by the other person.
- If you have a friend who is anti-hugging you can make him uncomfortable offering a hug he doesn’t want to accept.
Dare I say it might be relative?
Although I kind of hate to even bring it up, is it possible that you can’t say absolutely no it’s wrong or absolutely yes it’s fine? Think about it, if we lived in Greece right now we would probably be kissing each other on both cheeks every time we met. While I’m pretty sure that that would be a stumbling block for me, people in Greece seem to get used to it. So is kissing an immoral tradition or not?
In conclusion
I’d love to hear what ya’ll think about this topic and your own convictions. At the moment I’m not yet convicted that guy/girl hugs are a bad thing, but I’m willing to be convinced otherwise. My advice for those of you who decide guy/girl hugs aren’t a bad thing is just to be conservative about frequency and length. If the length of your hugs or the amount that you give could be thought of as too friendly or too awkward then I think it is a bad thing. For those of you who have decided to refrain from any close contact, my encouragement to you is…way to go! If that’s what God has put on your heart, then stick to it. There is nothing wrong with taking the highest road or the safest route. I’d especially like to hear why God has convicted you this way.
26 comments:
No problem with hugs...seriously, Paul told Timothy to treat girls as sisters in the verse you name your blog after. I don't have a problem giving my sister a hug...I also don't have a problem giving a female friend a hug.
1 Thessalonians 5:26 "Greet all the brethren with a holy kiss."
Evidently it is not wrong to show friendly affection with "physical contact". I would be quick to add though, make sure you are comfortable with it. If your personal convictions tell you "don't hug" then please, don't hug!
I will say that whenever I hug one of my guy friends, we do a side hug that involves very little of our bodies actually touching each other. The only exception to that would be with guys who aren't really friends, but more like family.
I think it really does depend on the person, but it can be interpeted wrong. I'm a PK so sometimes I don't have a choice, and I find that a "side Hug" is much better. I also make it a practice to avoid hugs with males if at all possible. Better safe than sorry I say! :)
This is something I've wondered about for quite a while, and am still not exactly sure where I stand. It does depend on context, as well as frequency and length, as you said. I never initiate hugging a young man, but in the rare event that a young man initiates it, I try to make sure it's a side hug. I don't think it's "wrong," but it is something to be careful of.
Hugs can turn into more hanging on each other, even between guys and girls that are "just friends," than seems appropriate. I find it sad when girls playfully touch, give long hugs, back rubs, or lean against guys. They may mean nothing by it, but it makes physical touch seem too casual. I want to save most of it for my future husband.
My goal is to be above reproach in relationships with young men, so I don't do things that may be "okay" just because I don't want it to lead to something else. Also, I don't want to cause a brother in Christ to stumble.
Also, as a girl, I let the young man do the initiating. If it's a setting where everyone's saying goodbye with a quick hug, I'm not going to pull away and refuse. But, I just make sure it's brief and a side hug. Likewise, if he offers his hand, I'll shake it. I'm not avoiding touching at all costs, but it's not something I want to be too casual about. Of course, some guys could be less than honorable if they initiate things that aren't done in purity. However, I've never had one try with me.
So, this is a long comment with no clear resolution. Hugs are something to be careful of, because sometimes, even if you don't mean anything by it, the girl (or the guy) can make it mean more to them than it does to the other person. But if it's a group setting and everyone's saying goodbye in that way, no one should take it to mean more than it should.
But how should young men and women who are good friends say goodbye? It is a little awkward to hug all of the girls and parents in the group when you're saying goodbye, and then just nod or say farewell to the young men. But is that how it should be?
This is a good discussion topic, and I look forward to reading the other topics.
I must agree with Anna that it really depends a lot on the context. I don't feel that hugs(between guys and girls) are a bad thing, but must agree that people need to be really cautious. I have especially learned this from observation. A particular memory comes to mind of this guy that used to come to a youth-group I had attended, several moves back. He seemed to make a point to hug every pretty girl that would let him(I guess his excuse would have been something along the lines of, "Hey, we're just brothers and sisters in Christ fellowshipping in the love of Jesus." Now that would be quite the line...*shudder*) It made me sickened because he would make the hugs way more prolonged than appropriate. The girls were basically stuck in them too. He may have thought he was coming across innocently, but I could definitely tell what he was doing.
All that to say, I personally am very slow to hug, unless it seems appropriate under the circumstances. I also try to avoid, at all costs, hugging a guy whose intentions are likely not very innocent. If he makes me feel uncomfortable in that way, then he'll be lucky to even get a handshake.
I don't really feel comfortable with hugs, and try to avoid them if possible. But when I can't without being rude, I make sure that it's a side hug.
I don't think hugging between male and females is alright even when they are good friends. That kind of close bodily contact can act as dynamite, especially for boys.
A nice gesture, which I use is to touch my hand to my heart when greeting or taking leave of my male friends. It acknowledges them without having to have physical contact.
I've got to agree with Anna... no problems with hugs, but if I hug a guy (more likely than not a father, already married) it is always a side hug (saving once). I would take a hug, but a long one would make me feel uncomfortable. :-P
II Corinthians 13: 12
"Greet one another with a holy kiss."
Nothing wrong with hugging either, just make sure you know the person quite well and don't have a cold.
Traditionally, a man is not to offer his hand to a woman to shake it - the woman offers it.
It's acceptable for a man to simply nod his head downward in greeting, farewells and acknowledgment toward a woman. When men wore hats they touched their hand to the brim or tipped it. The woman can respond in turn by nodding and smiling. Obviously that would seem cold between good friends or some acquaintances at say a funeral. Adjust according to the setting.
Social etiquette varies according to relationship, gender, culture, age, context. If your grandparents or parents don't know these things, then read a pre-1950 etiquette handbook or watch some old movies set in the early to mid-20th century and pay attention to the actions. It's nothing to obsess over, just learn it, practise it and get on with life.
Hmm....well, I've thought some about this topic recently as well. A few young men I know whom I am quite well acquainted with have never hugged me, but rather usually offer a handshake. One I know has the conviction that physical contact is for marriage. Some other young men I am well acquainted with do not even offer a handshake. Of course, I have heard that it is chivalrous for men to only shake hands with a lady if she initiates it first. I don't know about that one.... Anyway, I'm not going to say that it's wrong for guys and girls to hug, but I do think one must be very careful with it, as has already been said by others here. Prolonged physical contact can be misleading and just unnecessary, so a side hug would be more appropriate. Just my thoughts.... Looking forward to hearing what others have to say about this topic. So I too have left a comment without a clear resolution.
Thanks for your posts. They have proved to be encouraging and thought provoking. I look forward to reading future posts.
God bless!
~Allie in KY~
I've been wondering about that! I really like how you put it, Ben! :)
Hi, this is Anna's sister-in-law. I've enjoyed reading your blog. It is encouraging to know there are young men in the world who aren't afraid to stand up for the Truth and to wrestle with tough issues. Keep it up!
I agree with the side hugs. I don't think young women realize the impact physical contact makes on a guy. It can be perfectly innocent, but things like leaning up to a guy, front hugs, etc. send the wrong message.
A good question to ask is: What are the benefits of this contact and what are the harms? Avoiding a lot of physical contact between guys and girls will not harm the friendship, but there is more potential for it to harm it if there is.
God bless,
Michele
I do not make a habit of hugging men outside of my family, and when I do hug men I give side hugs if at all possible. Most of the time I just wave and say bye, but I will shake hands or hug. It depends on who it is and such. I don't think hugs are wrong but you have to be careful because different people were raised to take things like that differently. It is something you have to decide. Just be careful. Always better to be too careful that not enough so. Great post!
I really like and agree with what the poster Anna said... her thoughts mirror my own quite closely, so I guess all I need to say is "ditto!".
I also happen to have a good friend from a family with very similar standards to my own who I know is a godly young woman, and yet she has no issue with giving guys 'casual hugs'. I, on the other hand, prefer not even to sit next to a young man, even if I know we're only buddies (or even if I don't know the boy). While I have been in a few situations where the guys apparently saw it a casual thing to give a quick goodbye hug, it is not something I would want to initiate or have done often.
I think, as you said, this could be a relative thing. I think people should also evaluate their own hearts and motives in this, just to make sure that, if they're hugging their brothers in Christ hello or whatnot, they're doing it in all purity.
Personally, while I don't mind a hug from an older brother in Christ (read: dad-aged ;), I don't feel comfortable with any physical contact with a boy, besides incidental contact/an occasional high-five or handshake, which is what I'd deem 'causal' touch. Hugs just go a little too far beyond 'casual' for me personally.
Excellent topic... thanks for posting.
I was really excited to see this new topic, because it's something that has been on my mind lately. Hugging can be a very thoughtful gesture, or it can be sending a signal.
As many others have said, I think the best idea (if you are going to hug) is to save it for when you're either coming or going, or if there is a good reason for it inbetween times. I don't initiate hugs with guys, but I don't mind if they do, and I try to turn it into a side hug.
Overall this works fine, but lately there have been some awkward "to hug, or not to hug?" moments with my guy friends. Just recently, I ran into a young man at a concert, and he moved to hug me. We're friends, but have never been good friends, so I was surprised. As his arm went out, he looked at me, and then at my mom beside me, and dropped it back to his side. The fact that he was reluctant to hug me in front of my mom made me think. I never do anything outside of my parent's supervision that I don't do when they are there. I am fine with giving a quick side hug to a guy in front of my mom, because I know that my intentions are pure, and nothing about what I am doing is inapropriate. The fact that he was uncomforatble reminded me that guys and girls thought processes are different, as well as our intentions. I don't want to be a stumbling block to one of my brother's in Christ just because I didn't realize how they would interpret it.
It was really interesting to read the other comments and thoughts posted here, and I'm definitely going to think about it the next time I give or recieve a hug.
HI, Ben.
I just stumbled across your blog, and, being a girl, am very interested in what you have to say. A girl never hears much about what a Godly Man thinks or feels about all this, so I am excited to read more posts!!
There was a rather bad spelling error in my former comment, so I have fixed it and repasted my comment below! God Bless. Amanda
Hi Everybody,
I hope it isn’t too late to comment on this post. I think that hugging can be kind of awkward in a guy/girl sense. I think that hugging when you’re family is fine, (i.e. I hug my mother and such) but I am not a ‘huggy’ person. I think that I am used to my personal space, so I don’t really do the whole hugging thing. When I go to youth group, and people sometimes are embracing one another (arms around each other) or hugging, etc… it feels wrong, for me.
I feel that we as Christians are called not to be a stumbling block to one another, and I do think that physical contact in such a way does send mixed messages, not so much for me because I can stand firm in my convictions, but for younger people in the group, like my sister. I know it can be difficult for her to maintain the values God is building within her 12 year old self in this modern world. For elder and esteemed brothers and sisters in Christ to make physical intimacies seem insignificant is somewhat difficult for her to process.
I do not intend to make a mountain out of a molehill nor do I intend to shove my view down your throats, but I do feel that we as Godly young people need to consider our actions and how others feel about them and how our actions might speak to them. Perhaps, once a conversation in that vein is established, you might ask if hugging is okay, if that’s your thing, but I tend to err on the side of caution.
I don't have a problem giving a guy friend a quick goodbye hug. As some of the other girls said though, I don't recall ever initiating it. I usually leave it to them if they want to hug me and if they do I don't have a problem. It's just a quick hug, I don't like it at all if some one hangs on to me, that's awkward, so far none of the young guys I have ever hugged have "held on."
With my parents having become christians when the three of us kids were very little, we grew up in a world that was black and white. If something was wrong it was wrong and if something was right it was right. There were and still are no shades of gray and the Bible has always very clearly explained itself so there was no need for an "interpretation of the scriptures." If there was one thing in life that could be taken at face value for what it said it was the Bible. So contact between boys and girls, although not prohibited, was discouraged.
I have watched and followed their steps over the years as any beliefs we established were all based on what the Bible said. So naturally as Dad would do when I read your post I went searching my mind for any bible verses that might come up and the only one I can think of is 1 Corinthians 7:1 "Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman."
We have been going to a home fellowship type thing for five years. They all do the hugging thing whether or not it is a boy or girl, man or woman. It made me very uncomfortable at first. We have visited baptist churches over the years, a menonite church, and once we accidentally went into a charismatic church. (They said they were baptist and it was one weird church. Pounding music, swaying with their hands up in the air, and a woman preacher. Needless to say, Dad gathered us up and said,"We're leaving, kids, come on.") Anyway, going to the home fellowship was a bit odd in the fact that they hugged. The most we had ever done was shaking hands. Because of the above verse I have avoided contact with men; however, if it was between a brief hug and being rude I think I would probably just go with a brief hug. I hope this helps your current situation. God Bless.
hmmm- I would have to say I try to only do side hugs with any male friends I know. The front approach is just too personal for my comfort. And it just eliminates too much physical contact, or giving somebody the wrong idea (or even yourself!).
Before my husband and I were married, while we were yet friends, we never touched. We never noticed it, that each of us would hug or lightly embrace others, but not each other. Other folks did notice, and thought we didn't like each other very much. As it happened, it was a good thing we didn't hug each other or even touch each other until we were fully committed to each other for life. God had a reason for this, and I believe it was to keep us "out of trouble". If God leads you to have a "Hands off" (or perhaps a "hugs off")policy, then that is the right answer. He knows you and your limitations, and He will lead you in the right way.
First off, thank you so much for creating this blog! I read basically the entire thing last night, I think it's helping me understand the male mindset better. It's been a difficult thing for me to figure out on my own. So thank you!
Secondly, about hugs. I don't have any biological brothers, but you remind me of some of my guy friends. I am fine with hugging them when I greet them, I actually look forward to it. However, if they don't want to hug, I will definately respect that. I let them hug me the first time we hug, then after the first one it could be either of us who hugs the other.
One of my guy friends I haven't hugged bc I thought he was uncomfortable with it. Then there was an awkward moment when I thought he was gonna hug me and he thought I was gonna hug him. We talked about it later, and decided we're both ok with hugging eachother.
I guess it comes down to if you are comfortable with it. You must listen to your conscience, as always.
I was reading the other comments, and I have to agree: It bothers me when I see girls, especially friends, physically clinging to guys. like a lot. It makes me uncomfortable, and I'm glad I'm not the only one. It starts to seem like their relationship is a physical one, even if they're both virgins.
Ben,
This is an excellent discussion. I'm getting used to these, lol! I appreciate your thoughtfulness on purity and you thinking of things such as this.
On the subject, many are bringing up 1 Thessalonians 5:26. It is vitally important as Christians that we do look at context, especiially culture context. You mentioned greece in your post and kissing.That is their culture, and therefore appropriate for them. But look at ours. a hug used to be reserved for special contact,but nowadays it seems as if it has become a more casual greeting between friends. As I look around me at fellow school mates, I see alot of what Anna was talking about. Girls are being way too casual in their contact with young men and the same for the young men. I, in the past have reserved my hugs for close friends only, but after reading these excellent comments and points,I'm not sure I am comfortable with doing that anymore. As one who has said he was dedicated to courtship, I have in relationships help hands with the young lady, and hugged, put my arm around her etc. But, I have made a vow with myself that allsuch contact I will leave off, save a hello/goodbye quick hug and the occasional squeeze on the arm or pat on the back to say "Hey you're doing great", untill engagement. The same for terms of endearment. So if I am going to go to that extreme in my relationship with a young lady to protect our purity then, why should I go further than that outside of a relationship? This is of course personally speaking, I do not see anything wrong with hugging, as we said, it's now an accepted greeting in our culture, but for me personally, I think it is something that could be left off.
Thanks for your work! Keep it up.
This is a great discussion! I haven't even thought about this! That's probably because I have never hugged a guy not related to me. So, I really can't give my personal oppinion. Although, I'm sure it wouldn't be helpful to me at all. It would just be more of a distraction. I do have a guy friend who sometimes gives me his ''special handshake'' when we say goodbye and I think it's rather nice. I also met a guy a couple times and he always shook my hand when he said goodbye. I liked that too. So I think I'd appreciate a handshake over a hug.
My family, brothers and sisters alike, has never been very demonstrative. I didn't grow up hugging my brothers, and it may be for that reason that I never really hugged any men, especially outside my family. On occasion I will hug an older man, but I kind of think that I would try to avoid hugging young men at all.
And you would do a kiss on the cheek in France as well. :-) But when it's a guy and a girl greeting, it's ettiquette for the girl to initiate the kiss, or to just handshake instead. The girl gets to choose, hurrah! :-)
And I would have to agree wtih Natasha. Better safe than sorry!
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