Honoring My Wife...Video Version

Below is a copy of my oratory speech on honoring my wife. This particular recording was done Friday at a drama performance arranged by Anna Lofgren (maidensofworth.org). It took me a few days to figure out that I'm supposed to embed the YouTube link in the html and not the plain text editor :-). Anyway, I hope you enjoy it as much as I enjoy giving it.

Also, several of you have expressed interest in having me perform it at your church, youth group, etc. If you have an audience, I would be only too happy to perform it again. Just shoot me a message. Or if you want to schedule a conference in a month or two, I can give you the 2 hour version :-).

In All Purity, Ben

Would You Marry a Sinner?

Since the advent of this blog, several people have asked me (some maliciously, some kindly) a relevant question about what a commitment to purity means to me. The question goes something like this: Would you marry an impure woman? Or to rephrase it: Does my firm stance against personal impurity lead me to reject any sort of impurity in a future spouse?

The Purpose for Purity

I think this question is very important because how we answer it defines what we believe and why we value purity anyway. People have told me over the past few months that I’m just a religious fanatic for pushing this “purity-gospel.”

“Purity is not all that it’s cracked up to be,” they tell me, “You can still have a horrible marriage even after living a good life.”

The truth is that they are absolutely right. You can follow everything that the Bible, Leslie Ludy, or I say about chastity and still never reach happily-ever-after. I also firmly believe that if I decide that I will only settle for a pure wife, they are right about me too; I probably am just a religious fanatic. Here’s why.

The difference between what I’m saying and what those naysayers think I’m saying is this: I don’t think of purity as an end. Purity is only a means. If you think of purity as your ultimate goal or trophy, then you will be sadly disappointed. Purity needs an end that justifies it as a means.

Purity is not about purity

You and I have a reason for purity that the world often doesn’t have. We have a purpose and a reason for making this sacrifice! It’s a reason that makes all the difference. The reason is this: purity is not about purity. Purity is about love! Purity is something that doesn’t have much value unless you have love as the reason for it. The reason I stay pure is because I love my future wife enough to stay pure for her.

Often, when Paul would leave one of the newborn churches he had planted, a group of Judiazers would follow behind him to give the church their own message. Where Paul had shared the good news of Jesus, they would come along and preach Jesus plus circumcision. In the same way that circumcision is a useless addition to Paul’s message, purity without love is a legalism and loses most of its worth. If our purity has no purpose, we are no better than the circumcision-touting Jews.

Circumcision did have a purpose however. Abraham believed God and was declared righteous before he was ever circumcised. Circumcision was a symbol of Abraham’s dedication and a symbol of the covenant Abraham made with God. Circumcision gained its significance from Abraham’s love and dedication to God. So it is with purity. On its own, it probably will just make you frustrated. When coupled with a love for God and your future spouse, it can be one of the most satisfying commitments in the world.

So, back to the question

I don’t stay pure so I can marry the perfect woman so we can have a perfect marriage. I stay pure because I love the woman I’m going to marry. If God shows me the right woman and I refuse her because she had an impure past, then I basically stayed pure for a selfish ideal. My purity wouldn’t have been so I could give my whole self to her. It would have been so I could have the same standard that I demand that she give me. I don’t stay pure to be fair. I stay pure because I believe she deserves the best I can give even if she doesn’t give the same thing to me.

So, the short answer to the question is that I’m going to marry the person God has for me, even if she regrets her past. Would God have me do that? I think so. My favorite example is Joshua Harris. Joshua is one of the most respected authors on the subject of purity, yet he married a woman who regrets her early life. Several months into their relationship, she truthfully told him that before she became a Christian, she had lost her virginity. Was their marriage a sin? Absolutely not. If Christ indwells her, she stood at the altar righteous before God.

God had Hosea the prophet marry a prostitute as an example of Jesus and His bride the church. Jesus’ actions are the greatest answer to this question. We, in our sin, have made ourselves adulterers to the gods, idols, and passions of this world. Yet Christ still chooses us.

For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God (Rom 3:23). When looking at it through God’s pair of glasses, one sin is no different than another. God doesn’t look at lying as any less serious than promiscuity. If I were to decide to never marry an impure person, following this same line of logic, I could not conscientiously marry a liar. To be consistent, I must marry a sinless person. If I continue down this road, I set myself up as if I were a sinless person (which is something that I am not, in case you are wondering). As appalling as it may seem, marriage is two sinners being joined together no matter what those sins were.

Practically Speaking

Now don’t get me wrong. I still believe that marriages will have fewer rough spots if both the husband and wife are pure. I’m still going to be very cautious in choosing a wife, especially if she was once impure. In Joshua Harris’ case, he had already “researched” his wife. Several months into their courtship when she told him about her past life, he knew her well enough to know that she would not carry that old life with her anymore.

Also, please understand that I take this very seriously. I won’t be jumping into marriage without serious forethought and advice, even if I don’t have to deal with this problem. I admit, I do have certain things that I desire in my wife, and purity is one of them. I pray that she has saved herself for me. But of far greater importance is this; a mutual love for God and a love for each other. As for all the other details, I will leave those up to God.

To Hug or Not To Hug...

I am not an exceptionally affectionate person. I think that meaningful touch is probably one of my weakest love languages. That said, I’ve never been one to shy away from the occasional squeeze, hug, or pat on the back.

Because I’ve spent a lot of time these last few months making new meaningful friendships and reviving old ones, I have said quite a few hellos and goodbyes and have sealed them with a hug. Lately, I’ve questioned whether it’s okay for Christian guys and girls to hug each other. I’d love to hear what any of you think about the topic.

Please understand that I’m not talking about anything more than just friendly hugs between guys and girls who have no other commitment to each other besides friendship.

Pros:

1. It’s a meaningful way of saying “I’m glad to see you” or “It’s hard to say goodbye.”

Cons:

1. A hug often means momentary full body contact.
2. What you think is a friendly hug can be interpreted to mean something more by the other person.
3. If you have a friend who is anti-hugging you can make him uncomfortable offering a hug he doesn’t want to accept.

Dare I say it might be relative?

Although I kind of hate to even bring it up, is it possible that you can’t say absolutely no it’s wrong or absolutely yes it’s fine? Think about it, if we lived in Greece right now we would probably be kissing each other on both cheeks every time we met. While I’m pretty sure that that would be a stumbling block for me, people in Greece seem to get used to it. So is kissing an immoral tradition or not?

In conclusion

I’d love to hear what ya’ll think about this topic and your own convictions. At the moment I’m not yet convicted that guy/girl hugs are a bad thing, but I’m willing to be convinced otherwise. My advice for those of you who decide guy/girl hugs aren’t a bad thing is just to be conservative about frequency and length. If the length of your hugs or the amount that you give could be thought of as too friendly or too awkward then I think it is a bad thing. For those of you who have decided to refrain from any close contact, my encouragement to you is…way to go! If that’s what God has put on your heart, then stick to it. There is nothing wrong with taking the highest road or the safest route. I’d especially like to hear why God has convicted you this way.

I’m Still Here

I thought I’d tell you all that I am still on planet earth (but you would have a hard time locating me at any given moment). I just calculated that between February 12 and March 12 I will be gone 21 out of 29 days. Don’t worry, after that, I will start writing and posting again.
Up until a few days ago I had been looking forward to posting the video that some of you requested of my speech Loving my wife…today! However, some wise people recently advised me that, since I perform this speech regularly for competition, it could be an unfair advantage for me if my speech was seen online by anyone who is going to judge me. Because of this, I’ve decided to postpone posting the video until after the tournament season is over. Thank you all for your understanding.
I'll be in touch real soon.
In All Purity, Ben

How Modesty Helps You

The majority of reasons to practice modesty deal with the future and the past: your future marriage, your future husband, what the Bible says, what society has instituted in the past, etc. And while any one of these is a convincing reason to practice modest dress, I know it can leave you wondering “does it do me any good right now?” The answer is a definite yes.

Gaining Respect vs. Giving Satisfaction
The moral decay of the American clothing industry stems purely from the fact that men are attracted to scantily clad women. I've seen this often at high school gatherings. The girls who reveal the most, get the most attention. While this can seem like a good trade-off, let me talk to you about it from the men's perspective.

The conflict of choosing modesty versus immodesty is a conflict of choosing to gain men’s respect versus giving men satisfaction. When you choose to be immodest, you sacrifice the respect of men in order to receive their attention. But the woman who exudes modesty in her life has an amazing way of commanding respect. Women show more value when they hold their bodies as sacred. Men can not help but be awed by a respectfully dressed woman.

Here's an example. Leonardo Da Vinci's painting, The Mona Lisa, is one of the most famous and expensive pieces of art in the world. But its value is preserved by the security that is used to keep it safe. If its owner didn't heavily guard it, he wouldn't have it for very long. So the most modern, high tech security system is used so that no one can steal it. Of course, there are plenty of thieves in the world who despise this security system. If it weren't for the security, they could take it for themselves. So even though thieves hate the fact that Mona Lisa is safe from their prying hands, the world holds the painting in high esteem because of it.

With this in mind, let’s take a look at modesty. As a woman, you clearly have something that is very valuable. However, you can easily dress in a provocative way that is pleasing to men and lose your value. You are no longer carefully guarded like the Mona Lisa. Instead, you are more like a poster that anyone can get a hold of. A poster isn't valuable because it's readily available. Immodesty shifts the value of your body from something of worth to something common. By dressing modestly, you are valuable because you hold one of the greatest powers of the world in your hands yet you choose not to use it. No man can help but be intrigued by that.

Here is the blunt truth of the matter. There is nothing unique about immodesty. Anybody can be immodest. You must decide what you want to be valued for. From a man's point of view, the modest girl is the girl who has the most innate value, because she's the one whose body is secured. Just like protecting the Mona Lisa, men respect the woman who protects her body. She's the one we can't visually have!

Honoring my Wife...Today

I’ve been spending all of January preparing for the 2010 speech and debate season. The following is a speech I will be presenting this Thursday and Friday. You’ll notice that the intro says some of the same stuff my first post did but I thought I’d just post the speech in its entirety. When I speak it, it clocks in at about ten minutes, so keep this in mind before you begin reading. Also note that it’s written in speech form, so it might not read as well as if it had been written as a post. Enjoy.

Honoring my Wife...Today
A few years ago I found out that I had a new found interest: girls. Now, don’t worry, this is not going to be the topic of this speech. To be more specific, I’m interested in how men and women should interact before marriage. Several years ago, I started on a journey of soul searching, Bible study, and reading of authors on the subject. I won’t be able to explain all that I’ve discovered, but I want to talk about one area of purity that is particularly convicting to me. The foremost idea that helped to formulate my view of purity is the idea that I can love my wife today even though I have no idea who she is. I want to discuss the fact that she’s alive, how I can honor her today, and finally the reason I honor her.

She’s alive!
A basic idea came to my head one day: If God has marriage in my future, then my wife is actually out there, somewhere in the world right now. I still don’t know if this is a revolutionary idea, or one I should have figured out long ago. I learned about this even more from Eric Ludy in the book When God Writes Your Love Story.
“For the first time in my life, I was beginning to realize that if God’s plan and purpose for my life really was marriage, then the person I was going to one day marry was most likely somewhere on this great planet. And right at that moment she was doing something! I was swallowed up in one gigantic thought: She’s alive!
I wonder what she is doing? Then it hit me.
She’d better not be with a guy!
My mind was filled with a grotesque picture of some geekish Val Kilmer look-alike slinking his arm snakelike around my future wife’s shoulder and whispering with his disgusting voice, “Doesn’t the moon look peachy , babe?
Then, as if if could get any worse, I imagined this sweet talking turkey puckering his unbridled and oversized lips and…kissing my future wife!
My lips twisted into a crazed snarl, and my eyes boiled with fury. My right hand formed a pulsating fist and smacked my open lift hand with savage force. I was ready to kill this guy! He was touching something that was solely mine.” (Ludy 99-100)
Eric goes on to finish the scene perfectly.
“In a way only God can, He nudged my heart and slipped me a little note.
This imaginary note read, ‘You desire purity in your wife, don’t you?
‘You better believe it, I do!” I trumpeted in response. “I want my wife to be pure!”
‘That’s great!” the note continued. ‘I’m glad you are interested in purity. I’m quite a fan of it Myself!”
It was then that I learned the life-lesson.
‘Just think! If you desire purity in your wife, how much more do you think she desires purity…in you?’”

What it looks like?
After coming to the realization that she is out there, I decided that I should try to honor her in every way I can and in two areas specifically: in both the physical and emotional realms. This means refraining from any sort of physical impurity and a commitment to not give my heart to just anyone who comes along. My basic rule for myself is to not do or be anything to any lady that I wouldn’t do or be if I was married already. Here’s what it looks like in life.
In the physical realm, the most common Christian teaching that we hear is for abstinence before marriage. I completely agree with and implement this in my life. But often people follow this rule and think that they have their bases covered. I think that we need to go a little deeper. When Paul speaks to the church at Ephesus in Ephesians 5:3 he says “But among you there should not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity.”(The NIV Study Bible, Eph 4:32) Not even a hint! I think that far too many young people hint at immorality every day with their actions even if they never “go all the way.” So to stay in line with Ephesians 4:32 I think there is a simple question we can ask. When I’m around women I ask myself “Would I act like this if my wife was in this room watching me?” If I can’t answer in the affirmative, my guess is that I’ve crossed the line.
We can treat our hearts in much the same way. I’m sure that you’ve noticed that guys and girls have a great desire for an emotional connection with each other. I see my peers getting paired up all the time. But as a whole, the majority of serious teenage relationships don’t end in marriage. And that’s where the trouble is. The human heart is a fragile thing. After just a few heartbreaks, it will become callous and more reserved in order to make the next heartbreak less painful. And a callous heart is a heart that cannot give itself entirely to anyone. Proverbs 4:23 states “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.”(The NIV Study Bible, Prov 4:23) So in order to guard my heart and save it for my wife, I’ve decided to never give my heart to anyone but her. I’ve decided to only ever have one girlfriend; my wife.

A Commitment Today
I’ve only scratched the surface of what I learned on my soul searching journey. Ten minutes is not enough time to even begin hashing out God’s will for Christ-centered guy-girl relationships. I’ve just shared with you the reason that has been the most convincing and encouraging to me.
I’ll conclude by sharing a revelation God gave me. In the same way that God nudged Eric Ludy earlier, he did the same to me. After many months of studying God’s will on purity God asked me what I was going to do with the information.
It kind of reminded me of the end of a VeggieTales movie where Bob looks at Larry and asks, “Ok Larry, what did we learn today?” God did the same thing to me. “Ok Ben, what did you learn today, and more importantly, what are you going to do with it? I think if I could break down God’s nudge into the words of a conversation, this is what it would sound like.

“Ben, you agree with me that these humans that I made called females are very attractive people?”

“I do.”

“But you realize the damage that you can cause if you misuse their bodies in any way?
“I do.”

“So, do you promise not to lay your hands on any woman who is not your wife in any that will compromise her, and that you will protect your body for your wife alone?”

“I do.”

“Ben, you realize, just like I have, that there is great pleasure in an intimate, emotional relationship with these young women I’ve created?”

“I do.”

“But you understand that any emotional intimacy on your part prior to marriage will detract from that woman’s intimacy with me and her future husband?”

“I do.”

“Do you promise not to have any romantic relationships with young women, and that you will reserve your heart for your wife alone?”

“I do.”

“And in everything that you do, do you promise to stay true to your wife knowing that every part of your life will one day belong to her?”

“I do.”

It slowly dawned on me that these words were vaguely familiar. “I, Ben, take you,…” I had heard something that sounded a lot like this before. “…to have and to hold from this day forward…” In fact, I’d heard words like that several times before. “…to love and to cherish…” Oh, of course I knew where this was from! “…till death do us part.” The questions I was answering sounded strangely similar to marriage vows. And suddenly if hit me that they were marriage vows in almost every way, shape, and form. They had all the basic premises. Love your wife and no one else. Is that just a weird coincidence or what? I don’t think so. Think about it, nothing that I am going to say to my wife at the altar has to start at the altar. Right now, it is within my power to promise her my whole self for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, for as long as we both shall live. For as long as we both shall live! That time begins now. That time doesn’t start the minute I kiss the bride. I’m supposed to cherish her for as long as we both shall live. Even though I might not meet my wife for another five or ten years, I can still promise her everything that I will promise when I can see and touch her in person.
So there, alone, by myself with only God as a witness, I made vows to the woman of my dreams who for me only exists as a dream. And who knows, maybe at the same time, somewhere across the stretches of space, some special young woman did the same thing for me.

Sisterly Encouragement

Last December, my sister gave me a Christmas card with a message that I’ve copied below with her permission.

Dear Ben,
I love you. Thanks for being a great big brother. You encourage me in so many ways. Keep growing in Christ and focusing on Him.

Love,
Emily

I didn’t post this to tell you how nice my sister is (although it’s pretty easy to tell that she is really nice). Here’s the reason I decided to tell you about my Christmas card.
I’ve talked to my family and several friends over the last couple weeks about the lack of sincere young men in the world today. I’ve noticed that, through no planning of my own, I know quite a few more Godly young women than I do Godly young men. Now, I’m not saying this to discourage you. On the contrary, I want to say this to encourage you to do something about it. If you think that, as a young woman, there is nothing that you can do about this predicament, let me give you a friendly suggestion. After receiving this Christmas card I realized one of the most simple and powerful things you can do for the men of the world. You can do unimaginable good in advancing God’s army of Christian men just by encouraging the guys that are closest to you; like your brothers and father.
Let me tell you about what my sister’s encouragement means to me. I found a similar note from Emily on my pillow earlier last year. She gave me this note out of the blue, just to say that she loved and appreciated me. What she didn’t know was that she gave me this note at a time when I felt like a horrible specimen of Christian manhood. I thought I had lived that whole week as a self-absorbed jerk. Yet here she was, telling me what a great guy I was. She obviously saw much more in me than I thought was there.
I can’t think of very many things that could have motivated me as much as that did. My own sister, who has to live with me every day through my moods and behavior, saw something noble in me, even when I didn’t.
One of the best things that you can do for your dad or your brother is to encourage him to be 100% of the man that he can be. Even if he doesn’t show any appreciation for it, I can promise it will make an impression on him. And it doesn’t have to be the same way that Emily did it. You ladies are the creative ones. You can find your own way of saying it.
Of course, the same encouragement can apply to other brothers in Christ, but proceed with caution. It’s very easy to mask romantic themes under the guise of sisterly encouragement. The last thing you want is for your friendly encouragement to end in a broken heart. More on that later.
In All Purity, Ben

Hebrews 3:13 But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin's deceitfulness.